08. On what America means to me
Because it means a lot!
Welcome to Diaries of a High Schooler!
Hello, and welcome to Diaries of a High Schooler! For those of you who are new here, hi! I’m Madison, a junior (for like 3 more days LOL) and very-soon-to-be senior in high school.
One day, for my APUSH final project, I was asked: What does America mean to you?
This got me thinking, and I would honestly love to share my thoughts with you all. A general note that this has been slightly edited for clarity. Any identifying information about my family (for example, the town names of where we lived or family names) has also been removed for the safety of myself and my family. If you see something like (town name), then that means that that’s been redacted for my safety and privacy. However, everything else has been left as is.
So, what does America mean to me?
America means a lot of different things to me, and as I write this, I’m not truly sure what it means to me. But what I do know is that there is an answer to this question, and I’m going to figure out the answer.
I think we should start at the start.
I think a good place to start is the fact that I’m at least half Portuguese, something that, especially now that I’m older, has really shaped my identity culturally. My dad, along with a few other members of my family, namely my aunt, grandmother, and grandfather, immigrated to the US in the 1980s, during what I believe to be the Reagan administration. My dad grew up in (town name), right by the (airport name near the town). The majority of my family doesn’t have what people typically expect Portuguese people to look like.
We, except my grandfather, are all pale, which I would presume made it a bit easier to assimilate. My grandfather, however, was not pale like the rest of us, which I would presume made it a bit harder for him to assimilate, because even though he was deemed white, he, like the rest of my family then, didn’t know any English.
I’m also not sure if he even came to the US, because my dad never really talks about him much. It makes sense because he wasn’t a great man, in my eyes, and based on what I’ve heard, but it does make figuring out the journey of my dad and his family a lot harder.
While I do not have many firsthand stories, what I do know is that he was particularly well-versed in STEM, and that was huge for my family. This led to him deciding to go to community college, then to (his college name) to earn his bachelor’s degree, becoming the first person in my family to attend college.
My aunt also went to college around this point, and she had a long career in finance and accounting. However, to get to this point, my entire family made a lot of sacrifices, something that I now actively benefit from, along with my twin brother (my brother’s name).
I am eternally grateful to my grandparents, my dad, and my aunt for their sacrifices, because I truly believe that had they not made those sacrifices, none of the incredible opportunities I’ve had, or the beyond incredible experiences, would be an option at all for me or my brother. After college, my mom and dad decided that they wanted kids, and then my brother and I came into the picture.
Growing up
Growing up, I was never particularly aware of the fact that I was half-Portuguese. All I knew was that my mom and dad were incredible people (which, I still think they are), and that my life was filled with people who loved me a lot, along with what I believe to be about what feels like ten thousand and one cousins.
Eventually, around 2015 or 2016, my dad decided that we should go to Portugal and, for (my brother name) and me, actually meet my grandparents for the first time. Even though we had met my grandmother already, we, at this point, had no real memories of her, largely because we were babies.
On the first trip to Portugal
I, to be quite honest, do not remember much, if any of that trip. Even though there are photos, I don’t remember much of that trip. This does make me a bit sad, because I know that there are so many good memories from that trip, but I also understand why my brain would block out the memories from that trip.
Something I do remember, though, was that my parents had attempted to get my brother and I to learn Portuguese, which worked for a few days, until we decided that we had no interest in learning any of it, and, by the time we got back to the United States, I had realized that I would never actually use it, leading me to give up entirely.
This was also my first time learning that the healthcare system isn’t great. I watched as my family was discussing how much lifesaving medicine would cost, because it would end up costing my family and me hundreds of dollars to save my life if I ever got into an emergency. I’m very grateful that my family and I can afford the medicine that I need, but it does make me so angry beyond words that some people can’t afford it, and that the medications I do need cost hundreds, probably thousands now, of dollars for something that takes probably $30, at most, to make. The healthcare system honestly sucks here, so that’s tainted my view of America.
On growing up neurodivergent
A few summers after that (and well into 2021), I was working with a theater that was not great for me. For context, I was diagnosed with autism, ADHD, and dyspraxia in 2009. I was completely unaware of two of the three diagnoses (autism and ADHD) until 2022, and I was unaware of my dyspraxia diagnosis until a few months ago, because my parents never told me. Honestly, learning about those explained a lot more than words can truly convey. I honestly felt a lot better knowing that than I did not knowing that, and it allowed me to heal a lot of the not-so-great moments I had growing up.
(Editor’s note: Ableism has never been, and will not, be tolerated here. If you are ableist, you will be blocked.)
On finding religion (and being neurodivergent)
I’m also religious to an extent, which makes things even more complicated. I mean, I don’t go to church, because my family just never really has, but I am religious. I do volunteer during the summers at a local church that I like, which also introduced me to just how… honestly terrible some people can be at places of worship.
While I am so, so fortunate to have had so many good experiences, I also think that it’s important to acknowledge that not every experience is going to be great. One year, one of my kids (and by kids, I mean the kids in my group that I had) had ADHD. However, certain adults at the church were not particularly accepting of that, which made my heart hurt in so many different ways.
For one, this kid was what, 8, maybe 9 at most? He’s 9, which is how old my cousin is at the time of writing. He’s a kid, and kids, especially neurodivergent ones, deserve to be kids. Secondly, it hit home in ways that I was not expecting it to, largely because I had similar issues in other places too.
The adults in question had been there for what felt like forever, and they were there when I went as a camper. That led me to question my own experiences, and then, the realization that I, at his age, had also faced what he had, which made me angrier with them than my words can convey.
While I am a very forgiving and nice person, something I have never taken particularly kindly to is people being ableist. And while I understand that maybe they didn’t know, it’s still not an excuse to act the way they did. I’m very grateful to my mom and aunt for advocating for me and those kids constantly, because I truly believe the work they did changed things for the better, not just for me, but for those kids as well.
On the 2024 election
And then we get into Trump winning the election. Or, as it should be called, my worst nightmare. I am very, very grateful I had therapy on Election Day, because I needed it. I honestly debated not coming to school on the 6th largely because I wasn’t sure what to do, but I felt, to be 100% honest, scared.
Scared in a way I had never felt before. Scared for my friends, many of whom are queer, neurodivergent, and people of color. Scared for myself, because I am neurodivergent and a woman, and our health secretary has been making quite a few comments about autism, which has made me so, so, so angry.
What does America mean to me?
So, what does American mean to me? Honestly, I see it as a place of hope, even though it doesn’t always feel that way. I’ve been able to chase my wildest dreams here, and I am so, so grateful for that. However, I also acknowledge that there is still so much work to be done, and, in the words of one of my favorite musicals of all time, Suffs, “Progress is possible, not guaranteed. It will only be made if we keep marching on.” I vow to keep making progress for as long as I physically can, and I will never stop fighting for an America where people can exist as exactly who they are.
A note from me
Hi! Thank you so much for reading to the end of this piece; it is massively appreciated. I know I discussed topics that may have been triggering to some viewers. Let me also make it clear here: Ableism, homophobia, racism, etc., will not, and will never be tolerated here.
With that being said, should you need it, here are some helplines/resources. Please know you are not alone, and I am here for you.
Until next time,
Madison
Hotlines/resources:
The Trevor Project: (866) 488-7386
The Trevor Project is the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and questioning (LGBTQ) young people ages 13-24.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-8255 (online chat available)
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a national network of local crisis centers that provides free and confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741-741
Crisis Text Line is free, 24/7 support for those in crisis. Text from anywhere in the USA to text with a trained Crisis Counselor.
The LGBT National Hotline: (888) 843-4564
The LGBT National Youth Talkline (youth serving youth through age 25): (800) 246-7743
Both provide telephone, online private one-to-one chat and email peer-support, as well as factual information and local resources for cities and towns across the United States.
Trans Lifeline: (877) 565-8860
Trans Lifeline is a trans-led organization that connects trans people to the community, support, and resources they need to survive and thrive.
NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – Call 800-273-TALK (8255)
If you or someone you know is in crisis—whether they are considering suicide or not—please call the toll-free Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) to speak with a trained crisis counselor 24/7.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline connects you with a crisis center in the Lifeline network closest to your location. Your call will be answered by a trained crisis worker who will listen empathetically and without judgment. The crisis worker will work to ensure that you feel safe and help identify options and information about mental health services in your area. Your call is confidential and free.
Crisis Text Line – Text NAMI to 741-741
Connect with a trained crisis counselor to receive free, 24/7 crisis support via text message.